There's a song for everything nowadays. This entry is going to make me sound like a real fun person to be around.
As I'm watching RB develop his personality, I'm auditing my own. I see the things within my personality that my parents passed down, like my dad's sense of humor and my mom's benevolence. These are things I hope to pass down to my children. There are also facets to who I am that I do not want to pass down; facets I'd like to change before they have an opportunity to imprint on my son.
The most glaring is my tendency to be a people pleaser. I've said in an earlier post that I'm not really one for self-help books; ironically I'm reading a book right now titled "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do" by author Amy Morin. It was free on Amazon Kindle and I thought 'may as well.' The reason I've always shied away from resources of a self-help nature is that I've fed the belief that they don't work. The few I've read have worked... So, I'm willing to acknowledge that my original belief is bullshit.
While reading this book, I have actually realized a lot of things that I do, and things that I don't do. There's a list of behaviors people pleasers display in the book and I was honestly quite struck by how many of these behaviors I exhibit. Now, this is no revelation for me. I've known for many years that I am a people pleaser. I have tried here and there in both my personal and professional lives to draw boundaries, sometimes successful, sometimes not. I'm just trying to make it known that I've known, though I will say that in the last few years, I've noticed this behavior more often than I used to. Maybe it's that I'm really doing these things more often, or maybe I'm just becoming more self-aware as I get older. I'm going with the latter even if it's just a way to soothe my ego. I read this list and I'll be damned if I didn't identify with 99% of the behaviors listed. Here's some for a taste
You feel responsible for how other people feel. Do I ever! I feel responsible when someone is upset, or when someone just seems upset. It's exhausting. I feel bad when someone is tired, or having a bad day, or when they're just feeling 'blah'. I have this neurotic need for everyone to feel good all the time, which is entirely unrealistic and honestly impossible to maintain.
The thought of anyone being mad at you causes you to feel uncomfortable. Uh, yeah. I hate people being mad at me. Do I hate them being mad at me, or do I hate that they are feeling mad, which in my mind is not a positive emotion? Probably a combination of both. Someone being mad at me implies to my brain that I did something to cause someone pain or discomfort, which is literally the last thing I ever want to do.
You find it easier to agree with people rather than express a contrary opinion. I do tend to give up on my own opinion after not pushing it too hard in the first place. I don't want to seem argumentative, I don't want to even risk ruffling feathers.
You often apologize when you don't think you did anything wrong. I apologize so much that it's almost like a nervous tick. If you took a shot every time I apologized, you would be hospitalized before noon. I hear it and it drives me fucking crazy.
You go to great lengths to avoid conflict. Conflict makes my skin crawl. My brain knows logically not all conflict is bad; we need conflict to grow. My heart can't handle it. I mean, I literally had to leave the room last summer when my husband and my dad were talking politics. They sit on opposite teams at opposite ends of the spectrum. They were both entirely respectful to each other and were both enjoying hearing the other's perspective and explaining their own. From where I was sitting, they had conflicting opinions (conflict being the keyword here) and I just could not handle the potential for actual conflict. They both looked me like I was crazy when I basically ran from the room. Nothing was wrong. It's only weird if you make it weird.
You tend to say yes when people ask you for favors, even if you really don't want to do something. I was just talking to my best friend about this. Sometimes the word yes comes out of my face before I even process what is being asked. I literally will cut people off before they finish voicing their needs so I can tell them yes! I can do that! I can help you! Like a fucking psycho.
You would never want anyone to think you're selfish. This is on the money. I've been called selfish before and it really stuck with me. I actively strive to not be selfish, and I really do not want to be perceived that way.
There are a few ways these behaviors can come about, according to Amy. They can come from a sense of chaos in your childhood or fears in your adulthood. It can come from a fear of rejection or abandonment. A lot of my behaviors stem from my trying to be a good person, but then they just kind of snowballed. I'm a bit of an empath, so naturally, other people's feelings are very important to me. I've talked a bit about how I feel things to an extreme at times. With that, I have felt extremely happy; and on the other side of that coin, I have felt extremely sad. I hate feeling extremely sad, and I don't want anyone else to feel it because it feels, well, shitty. I know people have to feel sad and mad and shitty at times. No one can live a life of beautiful butterflies and rainbows, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. It also doesn't mean I have to do everything in my power to try to protect every single person around me from feeling bad at times. That's the nature of life and a pill I am trying to swallow. Most of my people-pleasing tendencies really stem from that - I really just hate the idea of people, especially people I love, feeling bad, because I have felt so fucking bad in my life, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Amy goes on to talk about the problem with people-pleasing behavior. The first is that your assumptions are not always correct. With this kind of behavior, you are assuming that what you are doing will cause positive feelings. Not always the case, is it? My husband asks me, "What do you want for dinner?" and I respond "Whatever you want is fine with me!" What is looking for from me is a decision - maybe he's made enough decisions today and he would just like for me to make this one. When I do that shit, I'm assuming that being overly agreeable to a suggestion that hasn't even been posed will make him happy, because who doesn't like to be agreed with? You know what assuming does (it makes an ass out of u and me).
The second thing wrong with this kind of behavior, per Amy, is that it can damage relationships. People want to know you, the real you. People do give a shit about your opinions. People want honesty and transparency. People-pleasing behavior hides who you really are, because, after all, who you are is made up of your feelings, your opinions, your experiences, and your ability to be honest about all that shit. Omission in and of itself is still a lie. Omitting your feelings or your opinions to go along with the flow is bullshit (I'm talking to myself here, in case you didn't realize that).
The last thing Amy calls out as glaringly wrong here is that people pleasers lose sight of their own values. I can see that. I can see where you agree with someone else's values enough times that they eventually become your own.
These are all things I do not want for my son. I want him to be strong in who he is. I want him to have an opinion and fucking stick to it - or change it, but only if he wants to on his own accord. I don't want him to agree with me for the fuck of it. I don't want him to be scared to tell me things because he's scared he'll get in trouble, or he's scared I'll be mad. I know in order to give my son the opportunity to not follow this path is to model it for him. I need to get my shit together in this aspect (and many others, but this is our focus for today). I need to get comfortable being uncomfortable.
Now... how do you do this? Amy offers this: define your values and stick to them. Only do things in your life that align to your values. Take the time to decide whether to say yes or no. Don't just say yes because you want to make someone happy. Say yes because you want to! And if you don't want to say yes, then say no. I read a quote once that "'No' is an entire sentence." Not a skill I've ever been able to exercise but maybe I'll get there one day. Amy says to practice behaving assertively - I'll give it a try, but damn, Amy, Rome wasn't built in a day. The greatest thing she offers here is that accepting that I can't please everyone will make me stronger. I'll be more confident, less stressed, and more tolerant of uncomfortable feelings.
I'm going to work on it. I really am. They say the first step is admittance, and here I am writing to strangers on the internet that I recognize this problem within myself. I don't like it, and I will change it. I have grown and changed in the past, and there's no reason I'm not capable of doing it now.
It's time to go get RB from daycare. I am assertively signing off to go do what I want without apology. I think he and I will go for a nice walk in the sunshine.
I'm not sure what kind of picture best accompanies this article, except maybe one of me losing my mind, but I don't take pictures of that. I'll be going with one of Hap because he is a little people-pleaser too, except that behavior isn't toxic in dogs.
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