"Sunshine On My Shoulders" - John Denver

So much life has happened since I last wrote, and I do hope to get back to consistently writing soon.

LJ's birthday is tomorrow. One year of our beautiful Jeffery Hayes Harbison.

I plan to write the boys a letter every year for their birthdays. Here is my first to LJ.

LJ,

Oh, my Bubba. Today marks a year of you. I find it hard to comprehend that it's been an entire year since you entered this earth. They say time goes by fast when you have kids, and they're not lying. It seems the more kids you have, the faster it goes. This last year was beautiful and tragic at the same time. You, my precious boy, have been a constant source of joy for everyone who has the great honor of knowing you.

You have just seemed happy to be here from the day you got here. I've heard of easy babies and your brother was not that. I thought they were a myth. Then I met you.

You slept like they say babies sleep. You ate like they say babies eat. You smiled and you cooed. You did have a few weeks of witching hours, but that was the worst of it - and if that's the worst of a newborn, we got off pretty damn easy.

You've gotten bigger. I mean that not just in the sense that you've grown over the last year. You came out huge and, my son, you have stayed huge. It's a bit mind boggling because you had reflux, which never bothered you, but you were like a little baby guiser for a long time, and you still thrived. There were many days where I just didn't dress you because you were easier to clean up that way. Your doctor's said it was normal, and I do think it was, but you and I smelled like vomit for many, many months. Despite this, you have consistently been in the 99 percentile. You are very difficult to keep in clothes that fit. You are now of a size where I don't know which clothes to put in your room and which to put in your brother's. Maybe I should just put a dresser in the hallway between your rooms.

You are so sweet. Like so sweet you might give me a cavity. You wake up happy to see us, ready to greet the day. You are happy to be involved in whatever is happening around you. Your laugh is heart wrenchingly beautiful. You're patient most of the time. Quick to forgive all of the time. You're so curious about your brother and are catching up faster than I expected you to. You two have managed to both laugh together and fight already; the laughter I expected this early, but the fighting I thought would be further out. You love to crawl and you're as fast as lighting. You can walk a little bit but it's not something you're really interested in doubling down on yet. You love to slide and splash and be messy. Oh, my man, you are so messy. If a mess can be made, you're making it. When you eat, you shovel it in as fast as possible. You're not picky and you're willing to try whatever you can get your hands on. When you're finally full, you take what's left and rub it on every surface you can reach. Your ears, your hair, your shirt. Everything. Hosing you down in the sink is pretty common and you love when we do it.

You love kisses and you love peek-a-boo. You haven't quite figured out how to peek-a-boo yet - you cover your ears instead of your eyes, but we love it and we play along. You love to steal whatever cup your brother is drinking out of and empty it's contents; some of it makes it into your mouth, sure, but mostly it ends up on the floor, the coffee table, and your shirt. You love to be tickled. You're getting more curious about Happy and Finley. You are very curious about the window we leave open for them to go in and out of.

You're fearless, it seems. You will try to go places you shouldn't be without a plan for how you'll retreat. The other day, you climbed up the step ladder we keep in the bathroom for RB to use. There you were, splashing in the toilet. The dog window I brought up, you love to stand at it and hike your leg over the windowsill. I'll sit there and tell you no, and you'll stare back at me and keep trying to escape. You don't move out of the way when things roll toward you or when the dogs run by. Sometimes I think maybe your sense of self-preservation hasn't yet grown in, but mostly I think you exist in a state of fascination and trust, and you're not scared of getting hurt. You roll the dice because you feel the risk is worth the reward.

You've seen a lot of hard things this first year of life. Your dad got hurt when you weren't even 4 months yet. You weren't even really able to hold your head up yet. Oh, speaking of holding your head up, you were so huge in utero, so squished, that you were basically born with a crick in your neck. We went to physical therapy to loosen you up. At first, you were very mad about it, but then you realized it meant an hour a week where all the attention was all on you, and you relished in it. You got stronger. Your head is becoming more head shaped, for which I'm grateful.

You love to cuddle. Did I already say that? You actually just prefer to be touching at all times. I'm peeing? You would like to stand there with me, holding my hand. RB's peeing? I'm a human barrier doing my best to keep the peace in the room. I'm cooking? There you are, standing behind me, asking to see what's going on. I'm folding clothes? You want to help, and you also want to create chaos. I love how involved you want to be. I pray that never changes. I mean, I would prefer to one day pee by myself again, but other than that, I hope you always want to be in the mix with the passion you've carried throughout this last year.

You are so beautiful, my son. In every sense of the word. From your patience, your smile, your teeth that have no apparent growth pattern, your crazy hair, your affection, your overall good natured attitude. You are a beautiful constant and I am so grateful for you.

There's so much I want to tell you, but I don't know where to start, so I will start here.

1. You are happy. Many people in this world struggle to be happy. You were born happy. You have an innate ability to spread that happiness. I hope you spread the happiness you have, but also recognize sometimes people will want to take it instead of share it.

2. You are loved. So, so loved. With that love comes safety; should you ever be in need, all you have to do is sound the alarm. We will be there.

3. You are a big and tall guy. People will probably think you're older than you are based on that. I hope you grow to know that you can be whoever you want to be despite what other people think. You don't need to act a certain way because people tell you you should. If you look five by your size but are actually three, then be three, my baby. The world will always try to tell you who to be. I pray we raise you to look it right in the eye and tell it who you are instead.

I love you, Jeffery Hayes Harbison. From your head to your toes. I thank God daily for choosing me to be your mother. I thank you for being who you are. I promise that I will keep you safe, healthy, happy, and whole, no matter the cost. I will traumatize you, no doubt, but those things can't be avoided. I will do my best not to be perfect but instead to acknowledge my imperfections and continuing improving. I'm not the perfect mom, never will be, but I am your mom, and that, my dear, is all the reason I need to never stop trying.

I love you

Always and forever

Together or apart

Mom