I let small things, short moments, ruin my day sometimes. I hate that I do that. Be it a disagreement with someone I love, or an irritation at work, maybe the baby refuses to sleep, or Hap won't stop being crazy, I let things that frustrate me steal my joy.
From there, I spiral a bit and get mad at myself for allowing that to happen. I really hate angry or uncomfortable feelings. I hate confrontation or feeling like things are off. I hate feeling like I'm not the same enjoyable person I used to be. Has anyone told me this directly? No, this is my own inference. I feel like I have less of what makes me me right now. Kind of like I used to be shiny but now I'm duller, and I could use a good buffing. I see myself in the mirror and there are moments it catches me off guard. The wrinkles, the sunspots, the bags under my eyes. I see things I could criticize and things that could improve. That mean voice in the back of my head is always ready to cast some judgement. Why did I react that way? Why can't I be more patient? Why am I not better at this? Why does everything feel so fucked up? Am I going to feel this way forever? Will I always be wound so tight?
I'm having one of those moments writing this. A few things went wrong in my day and that voice is ready to spiral, ready to cast judgement on me and make sure I know it's my fault.
So, here's to the voice in my brain. Please, shut up. You make so much noise. You have nothing valuable to say. I could've done things differently. I could've behaved differently and improved the quality of my day. I can always try again tomorrow. It is a new day after all. The frustrations I feel today will have lessened by tomorrow. Odds are everything will be just fine. Tomorrow will be a better day. I will be a better version of me. I will have the opportunity to be more patient and less reactive. I have had worse days. I had bad moments today, but it was not a bad day.
Today, the sun shone. My son smiled at me while sitting on my lap. Just looked at his mommy and smiled. My mom had the opportunity to spend time with him. They played together for quite a while. I played fetch with my pup. He loved spending time with me. I had an opportunity to share my opinion at work and it was heard and well received. I drank more water today than I did yesterday. My husband cooked us a delicious dinner that nourished my body and gives me the energy to make food for our son. My mom brought presents for my son from her, my dad, and her mom. I sat outside in the sunshine for a while. I showered and blow dried my hair. My dad sent me my favorite candle. My mom gave me my favorite cookies. She took this picture of me with my son.
So, you stupid, mean, little voice, there were many things today to be happy about. There are many other things to focus our energy on than those few uncomfortable moments we did experience today. Take the age old advice of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all," and shut up. Odds are everything will be alright. Stop trying to make me feel like it won't.
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