Hello from this mom of two! It's been a few weeks, huh?
Last we chatted, I was seeking treatment for postpartum depression. I'm a few weeks and I have to say it's really turned my entire mindset around. It almost seems like my lungs haven't fully expanded in years with how light my chest feels. I'd been walking around with the weight of the world on my shoulders and now that it's lightened I can stand up straight. I'm able to feel optimistic and exist in hard moments knowing they will pass. I'm able to enjoy my kids, my marriage, and honestly my life without a dark cloud hanging over me, waiting to pour. I'm grateful I had the courage to seek help when I did. I wish I'd done it after I had RB, but hindsight is 20/20.
We're figuring out life as a family of four. LJ is five weeks old, coming up on six weeks this weekend. Those first two weeks were really rough with how often he was nursing. We're now combo feeding with formula and breast milk. My body isn't making enough milk to sustain him - I'm producing maybe a bottle and a half worth a day. Mr Bottomless Pit requires a LOT more calories than that, so we've had to rely on formula.
It's a bittersweet feeling. Bitter because I wish I could do for him what I did for RB. He was exclusively on breast milk until he was 7 months or so. Sweet because the pressure I put on myself with RB isn't an issue with LJ. I'm able to recognize that fed is truly best. My kids won't look back and care either way who was breastfed and who wasn't. They will look back and recognize that they had a happy mom or not, though. So long as their bellies are full and I am not a psychotic dumpster fire of a person, we're all doing okay. There's guilt though, that I can't deny. I could pump around the clock like I did with RB. I could obsess and measure and take all the supplements and track my water intake. I could give up my evening glass(es) of wine and prioritize sleep over staying up late and hanging out with my husband. Doing those things last time dampened my spirit and dimmed my light. But my kid was breastfed. Was it worth it? Of course, I don't regret the effort. Is it what I feel called to do now? In transparency, no, it's not. It was different with RB because he was our only baby at the time. I didn't have another soul I was taking care of, another being fully dependent on me. Now we have two, and they both have endless needs. I don't have the luxury of pumping around the clock - there's always someone in my lap, someone crying, someone needing a diaper change. I don't want to miss out on relaxing and enjoying my life and spending time with my husband either. Our kids will learn what a relationship looks like from watching ours. I don't want them to think it's okay for a person to neglect their spouse because of an obsessive need to prove they can do something even though it's the hard way to do it.
We're blessed to be able to afford formula. We're blessed to have the resources we do. This time around, I am trying to make my mental health a priority too. They say these are the most beautiful days of our lives. I want to be there for it, in body and spirit.
We're also blessed with quite the village. When they say it takes a village, they are so right. It's about more than taking care of the kids. It's about taking care of the parents too. It's easy to become just a parent when you have little ones. It's easy to forget to enjoy being around others. It's easy to forget to accept help. Our village has stepped up and taken care of us and our kids. I am eternally grateful.
RB and LJ's GiGi and Pop-Pop were here for a weekend recently. It was a godsend. GiGi took LJ and pretty much had him the entire time she was here. I was able to get some extra rest in terms of sleep and in terms of just lounging because I knew LJ was in good hands. Pop-Pop was in RB duty and RB loved every second of it. We spent the weekend in the pool and he was worn out by the end of it (and so was Pop-Pop). We had a Memorial Day party and almost all of our family in the area was able to come. They all loved on LJ and RB. One of my favorite things is seeing my kids loved by others. I want them to know as much love as possible, and our family definitely foots that bill. My mother-in-law and her partner were here too - they drove in just for the day and brought most of the food. CiCi spent most of the afternoon with RB in the pool. GiGi put on a baby wearer and wore LJ for quite a while. For the rest of the party, everybody wanted to get a LJ cuddle. It was very sweet seeing everyone love on him. We had a full house and full hearts. Last I counted, we were just a few people shy of 30 people here. Talk about a crowd!
My mom came in the next day and helped with both the boys for a few days. One day I took a five hour nap in the living room. I don't really like sleeping in the living room just because it's a very busy area and I can be a light sleeper. But not that day. That day I slept through anything and everything. It goes back LJ was in good hands and I could relax knowing it. It was a wonderful sleep.
Speaking of sleep, man, I do miss a full night's sleep. When I was pregnant with LJ, I went to bed every night at 10:30 and slept until 7. I was so tired but couldn't ever get enough sleep. Right now, LJ is (understandably) not sleeping through the night. He eats around 11, 3, and then 7. That is a HUGE improvement on the every hour on the hour thing we had going during the first few weeks. He actually does go back to sleep very quickly so he's not up and awake during the night. We have a rocking chair in our room, and I do often long for my bed while rocking him. I stare at my spot on the bed and I think of the warmth of my blanket and comfort of my pillow. I then remember that these sleepless newborn nights are only temporary. They're already changing. He's getting bigger. We're halfway through the fourth trimester. Time drags on in the hard moments and in the darkness of the night, but it really goes by so quickly when I go to measure how far we've come. Newborn tired isn't as bad as pregnancy tired though. I can at least grab a nap and feel more energized.
RB is still coming around to J. He mostly looks at him or pokes him every now and then. He did decide this morning he was going to give J his pacifier. He shoved it all over J's face, everywhere but his mouth. It was funny to me, frustrating for J, and seemingly confusing for RB. We spend quite a bit of time, the three of us, cuddled in a chair we're already maxing out on space.
RB has also started talking more. He's got the words up, out, doggy, ball, juice (he really just says jui-), banana (nana), mama, dada, baby (sometimes), night-light, and bubble. He's running (in a Jack Sparrow type style) and he's throwing and climbing. He's hell on wheels, that kid. I've heard so much from others that the first kid is a gentle helper with an aim to please. That's not our experience.
RB gives second child vibes - chaotic and strong-willed and opinionated. I'm very curious to see if LJ will be the same or if he'll be calmer. He's already been a significantly calmer baby, thank God because RB was so much harder than I realized in the moment. Colic is a PTSD inducing experience. Though two kids crying at the same time hits different too, especially when everyone seems inconsolable. I liken it to that scene in Harry Potter where he's laying in the forest and the dementors are slowly consuming his energy and then his soul starts to float out of his body before the light shines in and he survived. I love my little dementors but sometimes it does seem like they thrive off of siphoning my sanity a little bit at a time.
Right now we're trying to find some semblance of routine. Both boys get a bath and put down at the same time every night. They're not bathing together yet - LJ isn't emotionally or physically ready for the circus that is bath time with his big bro. Some nights J cooperates and goes to sleep, and other nights we battle it out for a little while. It's been nice that once both kids are down, Beau and I can take some time to just be us. I realized the other day we haven't had a proper, kidless date night since October. We've had so many family members offer to hang out with the kids while we go out that we're going to have to take someone up on it soon. It'd be nice to go a few hours without spit up or boogers on my clothes.
We're bouncing between surviving and thriving here. We're not yet doing both in the same moment, but we're getting closer, our family of six, doggies included of course.
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